Su Jiayuan is a familiar but unfamiliar place. I am familiar with it because it is the village where I once joined the queue, and strange because I haven’t been close to it for too long. Today, I am back to this familiar and unfamiliar place. My thoughts are like silk and my heart is tightly twined. Out of Yijun County, drive about 15 kilometers to the north along Baomao Highway. After turning up in a place called qiugou, it will take another 10 minutes’ drive to sujiawyuan. The road leading to sujiawuan has become a gravel road. Although it is not wide, the two cars can still pass by walking towards each other. The road was much flatter, so I was worried about going wrong. When I first set foot on this road 44 years ago, it was hideous. The carrier carrying luggage was turned over with tens of millions of caution. In order to avoid taking the wrong road, stop the car and confirm to the tractor driver who is driving across the road, then move forward with confidence. June is a colorful season. Several white clouds were floating in the blue sky, and the Green Corn covered a large area of land. The path winding in the emerald green is like a yellow ribbon swinging in the breeze. Looking around, we can see a few folk houses vaguely. Cars have entered the village. Some portals are wide open and some are closed. The whole village did not see people, and even the unique scene of crowing and barking in the countryside no longer existed. The car was parked under that thousand-year-old locust tree, trying to find the memory of that year. The old way to enter the village was abandoned. The earth cave which was originally built along the mountain with three layers of layout collapsed. Only those trees, the grass and the bare yellow land after collapse are still full of vitality and even a little arrogant. My friend helped me take some photos under the old locust tree, as if to keep those beautiful memories of the past forever. Why is the village of sujiayuan, which originally had a small population, so quiet and quiet that makes people feel flustered? Why is it so cold and desolate that makes people dare not speak out. Finally, I chose a family with open doors to find out the truth. With the help of a peasant woman who I didn’t know but could call out my name, she found Yang Tianye, the hard labourer in the village at that time. When he was in the queue, he was in his twenties. He was strong and energetic, and he was one of the best men in the village to work. It was the element of the landlord who hurt him. After the reform and opening up, he became the village head for a period of time. At present, he is already an old man in the village, over seventy years old. As soon as he stepped into the gate, he came out to greet me and held my hand tightly. Before I asked him something, the first thing he told me was that the former villagers were gone. There are only three or four of them left. After listening to his introduction, I roughly calculated in my heart that during the years I left, there were six or seven dozen people, and the average life span was about 60. Heart slightly sour. Under the leadership of Tian Ye, I visited seven families in total. I didn’t bring anything to the folks, and the big watermelons in my family showed my heart. Although there are not many people, they are also affectionate. They told me that it was much better now than when I was in the queue. Thirty years ago, a brick kiln was built on the tableland. The yard was large and the house was wide. Later, the electricity was also connected. I bought televisions at home, and some even bought refrigerators. Now there is no need to pay public food. The government also has some subsidies. It is not enough to drink water, but to drink pit water. After going to the west, I found that there were many kinds of agricultural machinery and even large transport vehicles. While the pigsty is empty, there is no chicken coop. Even the most important old cattle in the farm had no trace. The land in the village only grows corn, not wheat. Because the yield of drought wheat is too low. It’s OK to grow corn and it can also be sold at a good price, so I will go outside to buy some noodles. The land in sujiabei is not fertile, but it is also trying its best; People in sujiabei are not prosperous, and their lives are still continuing. At noon, it was already the time for villagers to have meals and rest. Villagers warmly greeted them to have meals and drink water. We declined politely. Because I know that water is too precious for people in sujiayuan.

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I got up at 4: 30 in the morning and looked outside the window. There was already a red cloud in the sky. The sky was not bright yet, and the color of the ground was gradually changing. It became brighter when my head shook. The sea breeze blew, and the purr never stopped. In a hurry, I took a sip of tea soaked in cold water, took the camera, and went to the levee by the sea, sitting there waiting for the sunrise. Maybe it was because I read Ba Jin’s articles from childhood that I had a yearning from the bottom of my heart for the sunrise on the sea and for the arrival of those glorious and magnificent moments. I traveled thousands of miles to the seaside just for this moment. There was only a line of red clouds in the sky, which gradually lit up, but there was no golden edge on the clouds. The clouds above the head are thick, and occasionally there is a small Sky exposed outside. I looked towards the east with my eyes motionless. Only layers of waves on the Sea ran towards the shore far away, and waves rose higher than waves. The bright light in the East Sky jumped on the edge of layers of waves, with beautiful wavy lines and faint golden light. Looking back around, the mottled clouds covered the whole sky. There was only a piece in the West without clouds, revealing a piece of clean pink and blue. In the place with sparse clouds above the head, the east of the clouds was dyed red by the sun, especially bright, just like clouds of cotton floating in the void. On the east side of the building, there are also some reddish ones. The early tide popped up the shore, followed by a row, rolling up thousands of snow flowers, each spray was dyed golden, flying and jumping on the shore. My dog is a little small, and I don’t know when it will follow me. My eyes are blurred by the wind. I took a lot of photos, but I don’t know, because the sea breeze had blown the long hair on her around, and she couldn’t come even if she was called. She was already muddled by the wind. I have been waiting on the long bank, waiting for the arrival of that magnificent moment. In the East sky, there were only thick clouds. The sun never showed its face, except that a piece of red glow slowly expanded. There was a small gap of dark clouds, which suddenly became brighter. Seeing that the sun was about to break away from the cover of clouds, it jumped out, but between sahaa, it was covered by thick clouds again. Only in the Far East, a glow broke through the dark clouds and splashed on the sea. The sea immediately became red with golden light. I was so excited that I didn’t have time to take the touching moment with the camera in my hand, disappeared in a flash. Looking at the watch, it was already 5.4 Ten. I used to drive in the high-speed morning of the plain and knew the exact moment when the sun came out: At 05:20, a red sun was rising steadily, and there were only some bright outlines in the distant village, the mist covered the silent cottage like gauze, the green rice waves in the field, the white tassel fluttering slowly in the morning wind, the early birds jumping in it, a line of wild geese flying over the face of the red sun, the beauty is suffocating. I also sat there quietly in the morning on the beach of Beidaihe, waiting for the sunrise. There was a thin morning mist floating on the beach. Some early children had already watched the east by the sea. The mountains in the distance are dark, and a beautiful curve is drawn by the sun. Some people pushed the boat and prepared to go to the sea. Maybe the sunrise on the sea was more spectacular. When the sun came out, the tide wetted the beach by the sea. The sun reflected on it, and grains of sand flashed golden light. The whole coast was golden, Golden Beach! I really want to rush over and play a few rolls to make myself Golden and beautiful! However, today, this morning, this island in the East China Sea, the sun on the sea, was blocked by thick dark clouds and could not come out. The sky was already bright, and the distant islands had already got some outlines. The early tide calmed down slowly. Except that the sea surface in the east was brighter than others, I couldn’t see the magnificent sunrise which made me excited and jumped and shouted. No. There is no one around me, my dog, and I don’t know where to go. I sat still on the dam of the Watergate on the bank, feeling the sea breeze quietly. The sea breeze that never stopped for a moment, touching my skin and my face warmly and softly, murmured in my ear, as if comforting my injured heart. I wanted to cry at the seaside, but this cry was not because I didn’t see the sunrise today, but because my life of half a hundred years should end! I didn’t cry. Because countless lessons from life have taught me that the greater the hope is, the more disappointment it will be. It is better to accept the reality calmly. God won’t let you watch the sunrise, don’t you complain? God won’t let you have a complete home, can you jump into the sea by yourself? All an act of God! Although the lost will never come back, I also got a lot of things. I didn’t see the magnificent sunrise, but I saw the slapping bank like the early tide, Wake up like the Earth and start like a new day! I lost my home, traveled all over the world, accompanied by the stars and the moon, and the countless beautiful scenery were with me. What else am I not satisfied? I went back to the car alone, set up tables and chairs, turned on the computer, and wrote my mind. A ray of sunshine suddenly ran to my desk. Looking outside through the car window, it was already full of clouds and the sun was already high in the sky.

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The recent days are always gray, with one or two rains falling from time to time, which looks like the face of a child with uncertain weather. It was near the beginning of spring, but it was colder than winter, adding a layer of bleak. I never thought that the snow scene that I had been thinking about in the winter of last year would float down in this season. In a Korean drama, it is said that all the lies can be forgiven when it first snowed. Is it true? Does it mean that people’s hearts can be redeemed and understood at this time? In children’s eyes, fairy tales are real and the world we live in. Children are willing to believe in fairy tales, just as my little nephew believes in green grasslands and smart Pleasant Goat, there are stupid wolves who can’t catch sheep and sponges who can speak. Once he asked me why gray wolf was so stupid that he couldn’t catch Pleasant Goat. I asked him if he wanted to watch this cartoon all the time. He said, I told him that Gray Wolf would never eat sheep if he wanted, and he didn’t understand. I didn’t tell him that there was no green grassland or Pleasant Goat in this world, but I told him that he must admit the lie, so that he could be forgiven by others. In fact, what I told him was not a fairy tale or a lie. For three years, I always like to have that dream. Every time it is the same, every time I wake up at a plot point. After waking up, I can’t fall asleep any more and go through the dawn. I haven’t mentioned this dream to anyone. This is my wound, my heart knot, the past I want to go back, and the distance I can’t touch. It is a dream, but actually it is not. It is a reality, a bloody reality. In order to cover up its ugly appearance, I painted it beautifully with gorgeous lies. I can’t find a better solution. No one can really understand it. No one knows that I have been hiding in bed for countless nights. People who have never experienced this kind of feeling don’t understand at all. It seems that the heart is no longer my own, drinking hot water will freeze immediately, and in the hot summer, I will feel cold all over my body. It really tortures people. For a period of time, I always locked myself in the house and didn’t contact with the outside world. There were a lot of instant noodles and junk food stored in the refrigerator, which could be eaten by myself for a long time. In the daytime, all the windows are closed tightly, and the curtains are closed, hiding in the bed to sleep; At night, all the lights at home are turned on, and the windows are also turned on, and the cold wind is blowing to read novels. Live a Life reversed from normal people. It is also during this period that I suddenly hope that people who know me, people who like me and people who hate me can forget me and format me thoroughly. This is also because of the dream that I always love, which makes me feel insecure suddenly, blows me hard for a moment, and makes me begin to doubt how true my friends around me are to me. At that time, there was no family, no friends, no people to talk around, and I was tortured by that nightmare, and suddenly felt that everything was empty. Empty houses and empty hearts inevitably have to think wildly. The more you think about it, the more pitiful you will feel. You will cry like abandoning the world. Today, I was scared to wake up by that dream again. When I woke up, I cried. What should I do to make myself indifferent and face bravely. Is it my robbery? In the past three years, I have been healing myself silently, telling myself that it has passed long ago and nothing can’t be passed. No matter things or people, they will pass. Also today, my father said to me: in my eyes, you are not as useless as they said. On the contrary, I have always been convinced that my daughter is capable, no matter how old you are, I will also raise you! Hurriedly hid in the toilet, covering his mouth and crying all the time, until his nose lost the ability to breathe, he sorted out his emotions. I know Dad loves me, but he never said these words to me. I remember reading a sentence: Your father is the man who loves you most in the world. Said of good. It was still raining outside. Thinking of what my father said and my mother’s concern to dress more, tears kept flowing. My parents knew that, but they didn’t know that it had evolved into my dream. They loved to wake me up when I was sleeping. Because of that incident that year, it was the first time that I heard my father’s old, helpless and painful voice on the phone, which completely overturned his dignified and young image in my impression. After that year, I suddenly found that my parents were old, but I could do nothing. That year, I suddenly grew up. I don’t know if I will dream again tonight. I think I won’t cry again tonight. Today’s tears have dried up, and today’s I am tired. That’s it. Let it rain all the time. At least I still have a house that can shelter from the rain and a quilt that can withstand the cold. I should be satisfied.

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