I don’t! I was bored with two words in my heart, crying and ran to the gate of the village, hitting the poplar with a punch, in return for numbness full of arms. Ni, give me the photo. Your dad wants it. Mother was stuck at the door of the classroom, waiting anxiously. I don’t want succession, don’t want. I cried, crying all the time ……. don’t get cheap and sell it back, your brother still can’t take it if he wants to take it. My mother’s words hurt my heart. OK, I will give it to you. I ran home, opened my treasure chest and found out the photos I was going to apply for the technical secondary school photo. Here, all for you! I still put the photo in front of my mother. You damn bitch …… I don’t care what mother says or shouts. I ran to a small bridge in front of the village, got off the bridge and squatted on the edge of the ditch: Why didn’t I take the exam? I wanted to take the exam as a lawyer. I swore to go to court for my aunt! I grabbed the weeds with both hands, and kept pulling them out until my hands hurt into my heart and I was exhausted. Ni, don’t go to school. Learn abacus with dad at home. Report to the unit in two days. So fast! I muttered in a low voice that I was always afraid of Abba and dared not contradict him. Tears flow down my cheeks. Maybe I saw my tears. Abba sighed a long sigh and shook his cigarette. Ni, dad knows you are high-hearted and wants to go to college. Your brother got married and reported to the city and called back. Your brother is still young and hasn’t graduated from primary school. He doesn’t want it, your three sisters are all married in Xinjiang, and you just catch up. Dad is old, if you don’t pick up, there will be no candidate. It is a good thing that you want to go to school. If you fail to pass the exam and have poor eyesight, what will you do in the countryside? Even if you are admitted, your father has no money to provide you to go to school. Your brother got married and built a house; Your three sisters got married, and they have done great things in succession in recent years, and borrowed a lot of debts. I gave them all the wedding gifts of your sister, without any prints left. I was afraid that others would say that I would sell my daughter, that your sisters would not live well in others …… your brother was still so young that he would start a family in the future and build a house …… Dad’s voice was a little choked. From my memory, this was the first time that my dad told me about my family. It was the first time that he told me so many words and was not so strict. Dad, stop talking. I dropped out of school. Can you let me finish the self-study tonight? All right, go ahead! Go! I cried and ran away. When I turned around, I saw my father wiping away tears. The light of self-study at night was dazzling. Teacher Hei walked around the class to monitor whether the students worked hard. I looked up at him anxiously, trying to stop his footsteps. I didn’t speak until I spoke. Two tears coagulation. Keep repeating this action after sorting out the books and breaking them up. The black teacher’s eyes stared at me from time to time. I really hope he can blame me. But, no. I am the top three students in the school, I have never been criticized by any teacher. I don’t study tonight. Why doesn’t he blame me? Then I feel better …… as soon as the self-study Bell drops, I rush out of the classroom, rush out of the campus, run to the brick kiln leading to the village entrance, and let the stars in the sky blink their confused eyes. No one can understand the depressing and low cry. It’s the first time that I feel painful in my heart …… my hands have been stabbed and swollen by Tribulus bristles, and the sticky liquid cries painful in my palm …… you dead girl, working is a good thing. Why are you so sad like sending you into a fire pit? Back home, my mother scolded me while washing me with wine. Is it a good thing? I don’t understand! My mother didn’t know that I was pretending to be more than this family. I wanted to see the sky outside the building …… less than two minutes after you rushed out of the classroom that night, the principal came to our class to find you, he said that the “I grow with young trees” you wrote won the second prize in the village. When my deskmate told me this, my heart was really sore, which made my tears come out again. The young trees in the backyard are still there, and they can still become useful. What will I become in the big vat of Society for the students who have to take part in the college entrance examination in one and a half years? This is the real thing, which happened in the severe winter when New Year’s Day came in 1990. Since then, my heart has never crossed the cold winter …… written in June, 2009

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